Hello Twilight, It's Harry Potter Calling
by TalaDentro
Summary: Cedric's alive? Harry's in Forks? Darth Vader is Luke's father? My crack version of Harry Potter/Twilight Crossovers. As much as I love them, I feel they need to be taken down a peg or two. Not to be taken seriously. Don't read if you can't take a joke.


**A/N: THIS IS MY POST-VALENTINE'S DAY STORY for all those who spent the day alone (like me since my fiancé is in fucking Florida-I mean, yeah I spent it with my precious little sister and we had a shit load of fun, but not the same) or in general just don't like the holiday (which I really don't, I think it's stupid and insincere). No not really. :) I'm just posting now cuz I've been sitting on it for awhile (I keep adding stuff to it) and want to get it out before it gets any longer.**

**Harry/Twilight CRACK Crossover. My first, which is why this is special. Yay. *cough* So I've been reading A LOT of Twilight/Harry crossovers recently (I went through like 50+ in the past week or so), and I've noticed that they all have a lot of similarities, so this is me making fun of them. Don't like, don't read. Oh and I've decided that I'm Team Guy Who Almost Ran Bella Over With A Van.**

**Warnings: Slash, as if I would write anything else. Groups. Language, etc.**

**Disclaimer: Two authoresses (holy crap, I so did not know that that was a word...) who look nothing like me or live anywhere near me, own all of this shit which means I don't.**

**Beta: Do you even have to ask? FirstLaugh-LastTears! **

Harry James Potter-Malfoy-Lupin-Lovegood-Longbottom-Black-Schlegel, for reasons that made no sense even to him, was now living in Forks and attending a muggle high school. Why would he do that when he could get any job in the wizarding world his little heart could want whether he's graduated Hogwarts or not, you ask? Not to mention his fortune and having no real need to do anything but laze about considering his naval?

Well, his spies (left over from the war) had come across some most fascinating information. Turns out, Cedric Diggory is alive (sort of) and well (for the most part) in the small town of Forks, Washington in the U.S. of A. Now, as little sense as this doesn't seem to make to you, it made even less sense to our dear Harry. After all, he had seen the boy die. And Harry was the only one capable of surviving the killing curse for very specific and environment-dependent (someone had to sacrifice themselves for him out of love or there had to be a resurrection stone nearby) reasons. And it's not like a vampire could've bitten him and transformed him before the killing curse managed to take effect. The killing curse kills instantly. That and (even though everyone seems to have forgotten this minor detail) Harry had taken the body back to the boy's parents himself.

So Harry had flown all the way across the pond to investigate. Why him? Because he still felt pretty guilty about the whole "kill the spare" thing with Voldemort, even though it was clearly in no way his fault. That and if it was someone _impersonating_ the deceased Hufflepuff, he wanted to be the one to remove their hope for any future offspring.

All of his friends had come with him. I see that you're confused again, let me explain. You see, Harry tends to get very lonely when he's the only character in the story from the Harry-Potterverse. So he had splurged and bought a super huge house so that they could all live together. And by all we mean: Harry (obviously), Hermione and her husband Draco, Nevillie and his wife Luna, Severus, and Teddy. But not Ron or Ginny because they were traitorous bitches the both of them.

Draco and Harry were currently getting ready to attend their first day of high school. Why not just go directly to Cedric's address you ask? Because that would be far too easy and they'd end up going to the high school for inexplicable reasons anyway so might as well cut out the middle man. Draco was going to make sure that Harry didn't blow anyone up. Although, there's really no way he could stop Harry from doing anything, but hey whatever the slash-rabid fan girls will believe. The rest of them wouldn't be going because they had no need to and all were needed at home to take care of Teddy (who was, in fact, a toddler and could not care for himself). As to why he needed so many caregivers, well, have you ever tried babysitting a ten month old? Not fun.

Once they had all their shit, erm, stuff together they jumped into their brand new, bright red fiberglass Ferrari. Why a Ferrari? Because they didn't stand out enough. Why do I specify fiberglass? Because my dad made me watch The Glass House this afternoon and that scene where the semi _**shatters**_ (so not exaggerating) the Ferrari into little pieces is still firmly etched in my mind.

Since they're not doing much talking on the drive to school, I figure now would be a good time to tell you that they've adopted fake names because no one likes their original names and are trying to fool themselves into believing that they (as opposed to J.K. Rowling) created the characters. Or if it makes you feel better, they're "code names" that they used in the war. And no, I don't know why they would still be using them. Probably a generation gap thing. Draco's new name is Leiko Dong Nyoka meaning "Arrogant winter snake" because Harry has an odd sense of humor. Harry's new name is Ari Salvator Pyralis meaning "Lion Savior of Fire" 'cause that's how he rolls.

They pulled into the parking lot of Forks High School. All the students who weren't talking to themselves, or in the case of Mike Newton, his mirror, stopped to stare at the beautifully expensive automobile. The likes of which had never been seen in the small car dealership-less town before.

The two equally beautiful young men slid from the car with ease, sex oozing from every pore. Ari didn't have glasses because no one seems to remember that he wears them and don't bother to come up with an excuse until three chapters into the story. They strode confidently to the main office building. Or tried to anyway, Ari slipped on a puddle half way there. He landed flat on his face, nearly breaking his nose. Leiko rolled his eyes and hoisted him back up. They made it the rest of the way without incident, not noticing the five unearthly gorgeous creatures that were watching their every move.

Ari and Leiko breezed through their first four classes. All of which were brainlessly easy for them despite the lack of any knowledge of the subjects due to the fact that one has never been to a muggle school, and the other ceased his muggle education at age ten. They were both very annoyed with all the giggling and rumors that were floating around. I know what you're thinking. Well what the fuck did they expect? They're two new hot boys with a shiny expensive car and Harry should be used to it, he's had to put up with it since he was eleven. But you must remember, eh... Nope, there's really no way to explain that one

Leiko grabbed a seat while Ari picked up some "food" for the both of them. And I should mention here that neither of them are vegetarian/vegan in this story. Why do I bring this up? Because people seem to have forgotten that Bella was NOT a vegetarian in the books. She was in the movie because Kristen Stewart is, it didn't have anything to do with the character she was playing at all (which proves how bad an actress she is, even Daryl Hannah pretended to eat a lobster – it was just the shell filled with vegetables and she cried afterwards – but she still did it because it was _IN CHARACTER_). And, there are some authors who are under the impression that Bella and Harry are the same person, despite the lack of any similar features, background, or characteristics. They ate in companionable silence. Until Jessica Stanley who is apparently the local slut, much like Angela Webber is the local saint, sashayed up to their table.

"Hey there." She giggled slutishly (is there another way for a slut to laugh?). "I'm Jessica. You're the new kids, right?"

"Does the word 'duh' mean anything to you?" Leiko snapped irritably.

Harry, I mean James (no that can't be right, Luna, who refers to him as James for no apparent reason is not in this scene).

Rewrite:

Harry, damn I did it again. Lassie, I mean Ari, I mean whatever the fuck his name is! Can we please just move on?

Harry James Ari Lassie Smurfballs smirked and patted Leiko on the arm. "Calm down now, she can't help being stupid anymore than you can help being blonde."

Jessica didn't recognize what they said as insults. In fact, she was completely confused. They talked funny. Still she pressed onward. "You guys are so hot. And I saw your car this morning, very pretty."

Leiko snorted, "Only a truly clueless person would classify a Ferrari as 'pretty'."

"Well I've never seen one before." She did the high pitched giggle thing again that made Ari's face twist into a grimace. It was painful, physically painful, to listen to this girl.

At that moment, _they_ walked into the cafeteria. The student population facing the door they had walked through, quieted respectfully. All five of them sat at a table that if you watch the movie is right in front of a bunch of windows which makes no sense considering the whole sunlight issue and the fact that if a cloud just happened to move at just the right moment their goose would be cooked.

"Who are they?" Leiko asked.

Jessica opened her mouth to explain but Ari beat her to the punch. "They're the Cullens and the Hales. They all live together and are _together_ together. The big bear-like one is Emmett Cullen, the small pixie-like one is Alice Cullen, the constipated one is Jasper Hale, the blond model-like one is Rosalie Hale, and the last uninteresting-like one is Edward Cullen. Emmett is with Rosalie, Alice is with Jasper, and Edward (who is the one we suspect of being Cedric) is alone because no one can stand to be around that much emo all the time. Including his human girlfriend Bella Swan, who isn't here at the moment. All have been adopted by Dr. Cullen and his wife Esme, though both of them are rather young, and all of those kids are a little old for foster care."

"Wow." Jessica said, slightly stunned, as were the vampires who had been eavesdropping. "How did you know all that?"

"Ya know." Ari said squinting in thought, "I'm not sure. For some strange reason I just feel like I've had this exact conversation a million times before."

"Fanfiction authors?" Leiko asked sympathetically.

"Fanfiction authors." Ari sighed miserably.

Jessica sneered at the Cullens. "I hear they were only adopted because Mrs. Cullen can't have kids."

Ari exploded with rage because he has no control over himself or his emotions and despite the several years he's had to deal with the fact that his parents are dead, he's still rather sensitive.

"You spiteful vindictive slut of a bitch! How dare you say something so awful about someone so obviously kind and good and wonderful as Esme Cullen who took in all those kids who didn't' have anywhere else to go? And yes I realize that we already explained that but I wanted to repeat it anyway! And I love how I'm defending her even though in this scene I sometimes know what they are which means she didn't take them in at all but since I don't know what they are right now in this story just forget I said anything!"

"Why do you care so much Mr. Run-on Sentence?" Jessica asked, slightly alarmed.

"Because I'm an orphan you oblivious bitch!" Ari fled from the cafeteria.

Leiko rose to his feet slowly and lightly back-handed Jessica. "Yeah, he's an orphan you bitch!" He ran out after Ari.

As one, the entire population of the cafeteria (including the Cullens but excluding Jessica) said in unison. "Aww… He's an orphan. Jessica, you bitch!"

Jessica scratched her head trying to figure out what in the world had just happened.

The Cullens stood and filed out of the cafeteria after the two slut-pwning newbs. Edward mumbling something about how he couldn't read their minds which meant they were either related to Bella (which makes perfect *cough* not *cough* sense) or were freaks of nature or he just couldn't hear as well as he used to (ya know the whole hundred years old thing). Personally, he was pulling for the freaks of nature thing.

Ari and Leiko were by their car talking softly.

"So, do you think he's Cedric?" Leiko asked.

"No." Harry replied thoughtfully. "This is a clear case of people not understanding that being played by the same actor doesn't make two characters the same person."

"Ah, I see. What now then? We go back to England?"

"Na. The rain is much fresher here."

"Works for me."

Over Leiko's shoulder, Ari saw the Cullens walk out of the school towards them. A light bulb went on above his head.

"Where did that come from?" Leiko asked, bewildered.

"Vampires." Ari said decisively.

Leiko stared at him. "Vampires hooked you up to a light bulb? If that's even what it is considering I shouldn't know what it is since no one has explained it to me, and I wouldn't have cared enough to ask."

"No vampires are standing right behind you about to attack us because I just blurted out what they are which was rather stupid of me, but oh well. Hey there vamps, please don't kill us. We won't tell. We're wizards."

"Oh okay." They all nodded in understanding.

Just then, a police cruiser pulled into the parking lot. They all stared at it, wondering what fresh hell this new character introduction would bring.

Charlie and Bella Swan both stepped out of the car and walked over to the group.

"Eddie-poo!" Bella cried as she ran into the arms of emo vamp.

"Bella-bear! Who I'm totally uninterested in now that I've seen the emerald green (because emeralds are the only green things that exist in the entirety of the universe) eyes of my new pookie."

"What?!" Bella shrieked directly into his sensitive vampire ear.

Emmett scowled down at Edward, "That's not fair. I saw him first!"

"No you didn't, I did!" Jasper roared quietly, trying not to breathe. "I called dibs the second Alice told me they'd be arriving! And she told me much sooner than she told any of you losers."

Charlie pushed his way through the crowd and wrapped his arms around Ari's shoulders, his mustache twitching. "He belongs to me and I'll arrest the first person to say otherwise."

"Boys, boys, boys," Ari scolded. "There's plenty of little old me to go around."

Leiko sniffled, "No one wants me?"

"I do!" Jacob appeared on the other side of the car. "You're mine now blondie. I totally just imprinted on you!"

"Yay!"

Rosalie wrapped her arms around Alice and whispered into her hair, "Finally we can be together my love."

Alice smiled, "I know. I've known for about a year now, but I didn't want to say anything because it would've ruined the surprise."

"You bitch." Rosalie said affectionately.

Bella stomped her foot. "That's not fair, what about me?" She whined.

"Yo babe." Guy-Who-Almost-Ran-Over-Bella-With-A-Van said. "There's always me."

"Okay." Bella said happily.

After a brief, rather euphoric make out session with everyone's respective partners (or group in Ari's case), things got a bit more complicated. Seth, who'd followed Jacob to the school, locked eyes on Ari, and imprinted. He ran forward, wrapped himself around one of the wizard's legs, and began humping it. Completely overwhelmed by his instincts.

Emmett grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, intending to mangle him in a rather gruesome way. Ari just barely managed to stop him in time. "Now, now darling, calm down. He was just having a bit of fun. The more the merrier! Set him down, gently. Good boy. Orgy at my house, fifteen minutes, whaddya say?"

All of his brand new, shiny boy toys nodded emphatically.

"Alright then, let's go!"

The End.

P.S. Don't worry about Lonesome Severus. While all this was going down, he left Neville, Luna, and Hermione (who doesn't yet know that her husband is a flying fag that wants a werewolf to join in their marriage) to take care of Teddy. He went straight to the Cullen's house where Esme and Carlisle (who had come home for lunch so he didn't have to sit in a cafeteria and pretend to eat like his stupid children) were waiting for him.

"Sevvy!" Esme exclaimed happily.

"Severus, how wonderful to see you."

"It's been too long my darlings."

They shared a three way kiss and proceeded to have sex right there on the doorstep.

_Five months ago…_

Alice started giggling.

"What is it?" Rosalie snapped.

"An Esme sandwich!"

The End (For real this time.)

**A/N: So a couple weeks ago my friends and I all went to see Legion because it had hot guys with wings in it. Before the movie started, Dalton was showing me penis pictures on his phone (he has about 8 boyfriends at any given time and they were all kind enough to show him their stuff) and we were all giggling and having a good time. My little sister (I've adopted her even if my parents won't) said she would give me ten bucks if I stood up at the end of the movie and announced, "Orgy at my house. Let's go!" Turns out, she didn't have ten dollars. **

**None of this has anything to do with the story. I'm just in a sharing kind of mood today. **

**Oh and that Carlisle/Esme/Severus thing – I've actually read a fanfiction with that pairing. Well, tried to read anyway, I couldn't get past that part. So I decided to put it in my own story, lol. **

**I've also read one where Harry took Hogwarts WITH him when he went to Forks. Can you say, "Facepalm"?**

**As for future stories, I'm working on another one now (with vampires and dragons and slash – oh my!), but not sure when it will be done. Should be soon but don't hold your breath. And other than that one, I probably won't have another story up for awhile, maybe until April. Especially since I am now a beta for asilentwish who is currently working on a sequel for Ashes In the Wind and it looks to be a long one. Anyway, I'm not sure though, ya never know when the magical lightning bunny of ideas will strike (especially mine that usually strike around 3 am or just as I've decided to go to bed). **

**Please review!**


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